From the “Combating Youth Violence” Series
by Harbans Singh Kandola, President, VIRSA Sikh Alliance against Youth Violence
Source: The Voice Online (www.voiceonline.com)
Once we take time to understand our children and know who they are, what their needs and inspirations are, we have the opportunity to build healthy relations with them. This positive relationship gives parents an opportunity to discipline and guide their children in the right direction. When Virsa runs mentorship programs in secondary schools we regularly hear from teenagers that their parents do not understand them. Here are some things parents should understand about teenagers. This is what they say.
1. “Do not spoil me. I know that I cannot get everything I ask for; I am only testing you.”
Your teenage son will push you to the limit to buy a new car for him. He will drive you crazy; will not take no for an answer. He will threaten to leave home and more. Does this sound familiar? Teenagers admit that they do this. In fact they want the parents not to give in to them for everything. They want parents to set appropriate boundaries and guide them. It is your responsibility to calmly explain why a car is not needed. Simply saying no is not enough. Have you heard many successful young adults tell their parents: “Mom and dad, if you ha not stopped me then, I would not be what I am today”?
2. “Do not do things for me that I can do myself; it makes me feel like a baby and I will continue to be lazy.”
I think mothers are most guilty of such things. They will rush lunch to school even if the child has a habit of forgetting to take his lunch. The child will never learn to be responsible and grow. Such children cannot survive as young adults because they were given everything they wanted in life. Teach children responsibility by helping in the household chores even when they are young.
3. “Do not fall for my provocations when I say I hate you or do things just to upset you, otherwise I will try for more such victories.”
Teenagers say that when they say or do such things they rarely mean it. As Punjabi parents we take such things personally and complicate the situation and let it affect a good relationship. Teenagers want parents to treat them with respect and say sorry when as parents we make mistakes.
4. “Do not correct me in front of others; I will take much more notice if you talk to me in private.”
It is a common saying, “Praise publicly, criticize privately”. Disciplining or correcting teenagers in front of others or even siblings will make things worse rather than fixing them. Children will not hear what you are trying to say. Done calmly and privately, it will have a lasting affect and your child will respect you for that.
5. “Do not discuss my behaviour in the heat of a conflict.”
Did you watch the play “Here and Now” in which Sonia (daughter) comes home while talking to a friend on her cell phone? The father wanted her to stop and answer his question. Since Sonia was on the phone, an argument started when the father says, “You never listen to me”. He insisted that Sonia must answer him there and then, even in the heat of the argument. Sonia’s mother got involved and the whole situation became ugly. Parents should always walk away from such a situation, calm down, think it over, and start again. Walking away from such situations is always good even during the arguments between husband and wife.
6. “Do not make me feel that my mistakes are sins. This is part of my learning without feeling that I am no good.”
Parents should not protect children too much; let them learn from mistakes as long as they are safe. A 15-year-old can choose his or her own clothing within a budget. A responsible 19-year-old may be capable of going on holidays with friends. Let them do things and learn to make their own decisions; otherwise, they will not learn to decide what is wrong and what is right.
7. “Do not nag me all the time. I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.”
“You never listen to me. How many times do I have to tell you to put your dirty clothes in the laundry room? You are becoming so lazy…” On and on the parents can go. The clothes are still lying where they were. After 10 minutes, the same nagging is repeated. Instead of nagging, tell the child what you want him to do and what you’ll do if the child does not cooperate. For example, if the clothes are not put away, a consequence may be that he has to wear dirty clothes to school the next day. Ninety per cent of parents would not follow through on these consequences; however, children will not take parents seriously if they do not follow through. Children learn by facing consequences, not by being yelled at.
8. “Do not put me off when I ask honest questions. If you do, I will seek information from my friends.”
I have heard many teenagers saying that Punjabi parents hesitate to discuss issues with their teenagers, such as drugs, dating, interracial marriages, and religious beliefs. Open and honest discussion should be encouraged at all times. If parents do not have the answer at the time, find out for your child. This way, parents get to know their children and build better relationships.
9. “Do not ever think that it is beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me surprisingly warm toward you.”
Punjabi parents and an apology? This sounds very difficult to do; this is exactly what parents should do if they make wrong decisions or unnecessarily get mad at the child.
For questions and comments please contact us at info@virsa.ca.
Related:Fatal error: Call to undefined function mrp_show_related_posts() in /home/kps/bcsikhs.com/wp-content/themes/current-arras-theme/single.php on line 42