I don’t like sounding like a broken record, but there are a few outstanding issues that need to be explored from the recent domestic violence forums in Surrey.
I am no expert on relationships, but as a concerned community member and writer, I wanted to express my views. Having forums like these is valuable. It gives people perspective on how they should treat others, especially their spouse.
In order for these forums to be a success, there needs to be more inclusion in these conversations — that is, the voices of men.
Hearing individual stories of people who have been victims of domestic violence is touching.
We have heard the voices of women and the unfortunate victims, but where are the men?
Men have a valuable role to play in this discussion. We don’t want these forums to become men-bashing conferences. These forums are leaving a black eye on Punjabi males, as a result of media reports.
If we are going to create fair dialogue, men and women should have an equal opportunity to speak on domestic violence.
I’ve heard of some cases where men have been victimized by women. We want to share these stories, too.
We also want to hear the success stories of people who have successful marriages.
I am sure many Punjabi males could be better husbands, but not all are wife-beaters.
The forums come at a time when men and women have never been further apart. As the divorce rate continues to climb at an alarming rate, we need to address the issues. The social roles of men and women have changed and this is having a considerable impact on the lifespan of marriages.
Couples appear to expect a lot more from each other today.
Is going back to the basics the key to solving this problem, before we have a major crisis?
If we are going to pass the concept of marriage down to the next generation, what are we teaching them?
Has the time come for Punjabi Canadian families to change how we view and practise marriage?
I think so. The concept of arranged marriage is slowly fading, but the pressure to get married is still enormous.
The Punjabi community needs to take a second look and focus less on being married and more on individual needs.
For example, is the individual ready for marriage, or does he/she want to get married?
Marriage takes maturity and life experience. Marriage is not for everyone, and many realize that after the fact.
We are not going to find all the answers overnight, but this is the kind of dialogue we should create if we expect results.
Sikh temples have a huge role to play in this discussion, since they are influential institutions in the Punjabi community.
Temples need to step outside their boundaries and get involved in these matters.
If we are going to have a conversation on domestic violence, then we must also address interracial marriages and the caste system.
Interracial marriages are still, for the most part, forbidden in the Punjabi community. Marrying outside caste is still commonly not accepted. Why?
It has taken Punjabi Canadians too long to move on these issues. Sikhism was supposed to free people from discrimination.
I believe there is still reason to believe that it will.
Ken Herar is a columnist with the Abbotsford News.
Source: Langley Times (www.langleytimes.com)
I am currently in a relationship with a punjabi man and I tell you they are liars thieves and only want to marry for money. They claim to be so religious and such great people but I believe they are the most dangerous people on this earth. Their religion is money they pray to a god to bring them money. They have no respect for women and they are abusive. I don’t care how much education they have their nature is embedded in them. They are dogs, liars and cheats. Never ever trust one.
I have been married to a man, who expects me to be the perfect everything. He abuses me emotionally, hits me but leaves no mark except on my soul. Criticises everything I do, and on top he hates my family and at one point wanted them not to see me. Ive lost my self esteem, he gave me blood pressure and put my life into danger while pregnant and still blamed it on me. If i had lost my son I don’t know what I would do. Im in a marriage that has depressed me, instead of being my life partner and keeping un open mind. He reverts to hating me, find faults and saying im a good for nothing. I am thinking of divorce because i have had enough. I am also thinking of telling my parents soon. because I don’t know if I can subject my son to such a man who does this to me, he will only live his life to what he is subjected to. and this is not my idea of a healthy marriage.
It would be nice, finally, for men from the Sikh community to find the courage to speak up and stand up for the women who work tirelessly, who cook who clean who raise the children who put up with insane expectations from family and old traditions that no longer need apply in this society. It would be nice to see that the men from that community show some kind of awareness of all that the women do to support these families day after day, year after year and end up with so little respect…where are the voices of the men? Why are you not defending or speaking out for the very women who raise your ‘precious’ sons…why do you continue to betray and belittle these incredible women who without so many of you would be nowhere…how is it that so little of you have the courage to say ‘this is wrong’ and we need to change. Spousal abuse ‘anywhere’ is wrong and this is changing-it must be a universal change. No one person is born into this lifetime to be somebodys punching bag-is this how you would like to be treated? Is this what you want for your own daughters? Why are the sons being handed everything on a silver platter and learning nothing about how to survive while the women are expected to do everything? How can such a spiritual, God loving culture be at the same time so cruel to the very women who care for them? This is so, so wrong and you cannot pretend otherwise?
Where are the parents of these sons, and, why do they not admonish them for hurting their wives? For that matter, where are the womans’ parents? It seems as if there is just no genuine emotion or sincerity of feeling when it comes to women in our society. Its all so glamorised and traditionalised. From a very early age, girls are made to feel as if they do not belong to the family, not only in words but in action as well. Female foeticide, dowry deaths, domestic violence…..it all stems from a deep rooted sense that girls are just an unrequired entity. Even cows are treated better than this back home. This is passed down from one generation to the next, and there is no class distinction. Women who first give in to idiotic demands of relatives etc., set the template for the future women of that family. It must be stopped, this pattern of thinking must be intercepted by women and we must not allow ourselves to fall victim to any form of subjugation from the outset. Mothers, MILS, SILS etc., play an enormous role in pumping up their sons and brothers until they reach a point where they feel they have an absolute right to mistreat women. A woman is the life and breath of every family, and if she is unhappy, the family does not thrive. Not only should men be held accountable for their actions, but so too should the parents, how did they raise him?? Parents of the women must do all they can to intercept and take charge, just because she is married doesnt mean she is not your responsibility anymore. If she cannot find the courage to call the police, and you know what is happening, it is your duty to call on her behalf. Otherwise, you are part of the problem. You see the options, continued unhappiness for her and her children, or eventually her death. Mothers love your daughters, even if you were never loved when you were a child. Love them and give them the confidence to stand up for themselves, and know that they never have to be mistreated by anyone…..
These are all great responses to my article. Thank you so much for contributing. Let make this world a better place for everyone both men and women.
Ken Herar
Research for Self-Search for A Human within Us: The Whole Creation is female (Mother Nature)
We may just go through a story type discussion, in which we as the humans seem to have developed an attitude that fear to lose and desire to possess is prevailing. It is not lot love, affection or compassion. It is simply ignorance that without learning to love our self, we may fail all the times to accept as we are and accepting others as we are. The crime against woman is not because of religion; the enlightened souls in most of the religions mimic as the females, the wife of God and thus become feminist in nature. If this point is absent, one cannot pretend to be religious. Once the Meera, the great Indian devotee of Lord Krishna sent a message to a holy man that she wanted to see him. On her slip, he replied that he does not meet females. It delighted Meera, the great. She sent another reply to him saying that she was happy to know that there was a male besides Lord Krishna in the Varindavan (the holy place of Lord Krishna). He realized the human within him, on feeling to her feet, he regretted. The human within is not a gender type; it is godliness as one is without considering the body one possesses as a male or female.
One man wanted to research a human within. He wanted to know what is research, the mystical self-quest causing the sorrows, pains and gloom that dwelling at the gender level has, so he went to see his teacher at the university. The teacher told him that the research is not searching it in the books and making comparison and contrasts; rather it is the management of knowledge such that wisdom becomes our common sense in everything we do. However, it may make books speak when one reads after having the idea and insight of what is research. He again asked about knowledge and its relation to research. The teacher replied that we take three dimensions of thought and knowledge:
1. Ancient Faculties of knowledge
2. The Modern or the Contemporary Faculties of knowledge and
3. The Re-cyclic process of Ancient and Modern knowledge for Future
He pondered and again asked his teacher about big claims that we make about knowledge. The reply was that our claim that today we have one of the best faculties of ideas, thought and knowledge faces a serious challenge for our future generations, the children and for us too. It is the re-cyclic process of this IT that we usually find same as the renewal and up-gradation, by craving and collecting more and more information and knowledge. The re-cycling is evolution of knowledge without which the human knowledge remains just a wisdom that we may never use. The practice of wisdom is the re-cycling of the knowledge, which is, applied research work of the pure knowledge, which a human cannot do without the personal touch. The teacher called it a robotic problem.
He could not understand what means so he asked the teacher to explain. The reply was that our actions are robotic, i.e., readymade as we may not have any emotions in the future in our actions. The worst that may happen seems that our actions will be only activities on the conditions of stimulant and response theory without enjoying what we are doing. This limitation of knowledge faculties seems the degenerating of our joy as humans. We are learning about things, persons and places adding the best possible information and knowledge. The way we gather these faculties of knowledge about ourselves is so little that we to give verbal expression to each thing that we feel and do. This slowly weakens the bond among humans. In other words, our non-verbal communication is making us lonely and uneducated, as we know little about it.
His studentship was awoke saying that we go here and there just to speak what we want to speak and listen what we want to listen. This known speech of speaking and listening is one of the examples that it is becoming a robotic activity not personal experience of non-verbal communication. He wanted to know more and got the answer that we all happen to know that more we speak lesser is what we really do. Therefore, this process of adding words in the communication is not re-cyclic. By re-cyclic we mean that communication is between the meanings not the words, we ignore that our mind has a bigger and superior interpreter of words that gives both emotions and feeling gathering its effect on our body, mind, soul (conscious level) and heart. These effects are the actual communication in which person is involved.
The how and why was the natural part of his next question. He got answer that a human with the desire to speak and hear the desired words usually breaks down his or heart, body mind and soul. As in it one is fully alert and aware what is sought to hear and speak and making the rapport well so that joy of the communication, though not personally involved, gets better verbal feedback. The example of a tree can make it better for comprehension, while caring for the tree; we look at its trunk, branches, leaves, flower and fruits. Any change in its any part indicates that we do not treat it well. We search solution for it, should we ever forget that it is part of non-verbal communication!
The teacher further added that we seem to treat others, while ignoring the fact that one has body, mind, soul, and heart along with the whole functioning parts inside and on the body. These need non-verbal communication. Whatever we have discussed above is human resourcefulness and thus mutual development of a human as a complete identity of existence. The HRD for all purposes is to make the individual a research oriented person looking for the best management of emotional, intellectual and time energy without forgetting that the human body is a re-cyclic supercomputer of nature for all things that make one contributor. The joy of being contributor makes an individual a resource for human development on the backbone of personal development. Accepting others as they are seems to make professionalism a personalized activity in which one can enjoy his or her work.
They sat silently for some moments. The teacher said that none among us is identical so why waste time in making such a verbal communication so that others become robotic which if they happen to be we may not tolerate hem for very long. The lost art of joy in the form of non-verbal communication seems the result of such conditioning, which the trained person gets. Just giving it a touch that we may communicate with own knowledge by ourselves to re-cycle it into wisdom, until, we become a wise and the civilized. Finally saying it as that the verbal facilitator may never become non-verbal healer as in gaining just one art many are lost, forgotten and thus sacrificed making us sick who seek the healing touch that we have personally in our non-verbal communication with our self, nature and the beyond.
It was the first time that he looked at the teacher recognizing him as an open book. The silence that they shared was like reading each other without a desire for words. They always communicated as the search was finished. The student never used words without meanings that create feelings. It was his known field of research, the search for self. The fear of losing and desire of possessing was the re-search, so he was able to feel the creativity, the female within all.
Well, I thank you for reading it, while seeking your good wishes, blessings and prayers.