Teaching children discipline without punishment

April 1st, 2006 by admin

The aim of teaching discipline is to teach children to be responsible people. Responsible people are people who will do what they say they will do and people you can trust. Helping children learn to be responsible at home will help them learn to be responsible in the society.

Disciplining a child is one of the most important roles of a parent and perhaps one of the most difficult. Effective discipline at home provides a foundation for self-discipline throughout the child’s life. It helps your child to grow up to be happy and well adjusted. Effective and positive discipline teaches and guides children to obey parents, instead of forcing them to obey. How children should be disciplined depends on their age, personality and other factors.

I find that with most Punjabi parents discipline and punishment is the same. Your child does something wrong and you respond in anger - by yelling, hitting or grounding. This is punishment, not teaching. Here are some common forms of punishment.

Yelling, scolding - “Stop that!” “What is wrong with you?” “Can’t you use your brain?”

Threatening - “We will have to send you to India if you keep this up.”

Moralizing - making the child feel guilt - “You are so selfish.” “Can’t you think of anyone but yourself?”

Rejection - loss of love - “Get out of my sight.” “I do not want anything to do with you.”

Spanking - The application of hand or other object on the face or buttocks of the child.

Beating - The application of hand or stick on the body of the child.

Comparing - “Why can’t you be as smart as your sister?”

Sarcasm - “That was really brilliant!”

I understand that parents have other pressures and are only human; they cannot help getting angry sometimes. Sometimes getting angry is completely justified but reacting in anger often makes things worse. Children sometimes react by rebelling or by repeating whatever they were punished for in order to get even with their parents. If parents have to keep punishing for the same thing, it is clear that the punishment is not working

There is, however, a better way to discipline children. It is giving the child choices. Let your child take the consequences for what he or she does. Let them live with the results of his actions and choices. For example, if your son will not pick up dirty clothes and put them in the laundry room as you told him to do, the clothes do not get washed and he has to live with the dirty clothes. Or let’s say you child is watching T.V but you asked him to clean up his papers. He does not listen. You turn the T.V. off - no more T.V. that afternoon. Now he has a choice: to put away the papers and watch T.V. or no T.V. The problem is that most parents do not follow through.

I have heard parents say that if their children do not get what they want they throw bad temper tantrums and drive them crazy. But who is in control? You let your child get away with that or some other family member (like a grandparent) forces you to do so. Children know when and how to push you to the wall. It is up to you how far you let your child push you. The more you give in, the harder it is to change the behavior later.

Here is a four-step discipline model parents should regularly use.

STEP ONE. Tell your kids what you want them to do clearly. “Son, I want you to put away your bike in the garage every time you use it”.

STEP TWO. Tell your kids what will happen if they don’t do it. “The next time you leave the bike in the driveway or outside, you won’t be allowed to use your bike for the next two days.”

STEP THREE. Follow through. “After I told you, you left your bike out again. You cannot use this for two days. Let us try again after two days”.

STEP FOUR. Notice when your kids do what they were supposed to do. “You put your bike away as I asked you. Thank you, you being a good boy”.

As I said before, disciplining a child means helping them grow to be responsible people. Empower them to be able to make decisions for themselves. In our community many parents are guilty of giving children everything without teaching responsibility. Living in Western culture we need to learn to give children space. Let them learn to face the consequences of their actions and learn from their mistakes, particularly teenage children. They will respect you for that.

Read more on discipline without punishment in the next issue of this paper.

For questions and comments please contact us at info@virsa.ca.

From the “Combating Youth Violence” Series

Author: Harbans Singh Kandola,
President of VIRSA Sikh Alliance against Youth Violence

Source: The Voice Online (www.voiceonline.com)

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