Men must be part of discussion on violence

December 16th, 2006 by admin

I don’t like sounding like a broken record, but there are a few outstanding issues that need to be explored from the recent domestic violence forums in Surrey.

I am no expert on relationships, but as a concerned community member and writer, I wanted to express my views. Having forums like these is valuable. It gives people perspective on how they should treat others, especially their spouse.

In order for these forums to be a success, there needs to be more inclusion in these conversations — that is, the voices of men.

Hearing individual stories of people who have been victims of domestic violence is touching.

We have heard the voices of women and the unfortunate victims, but where are the men?

Men have a valuable role to play in this discussion. We don’t want these forums to become men-bashing conferences. These forums are leaving a black eye on Punjabi males, as a result of media reports.

If we are going to create fair dialogue, men and women should have an equal opportunity to speak on domestic violence.

I’ve heard of some cases where men have been victimized by women. We want to share these stories, too.

We also want to hear the success stories of people who have successful marriages.

I am sure many Punjabi males could be better husbands, but not all are wife-beaters.

The forums come at a time when men and women have never been further apart. As the divorce rate continues to climb at an alarming rate, we need to address the issues. The social roles of men and women have changed and this is having a considerable impact on the lifespan of marriages.

Couples appear to expect a lot more from each other today.

Is going back to the basics the key to solving this problem, before we have a major crisis?

If we are going to pass the concept of marriage down to the next generation, what are we teaching them?

Has the time come for Punjabi Canadian families to change how we view and practise marriage?

I think so. The concept of arranged marriage is slowly fading, but the pressure to get married is still enormous.

The Punjabi community needs to take a second look and focus less on being married and more on individual needs.

For example, is the individual ready for marriage, or does he/she want to get married?

Marriage takes maturity and life experience. Marriage is not for everyone, and many realize that after the fact.

We are not going to find all the answers overnight, but this is the kind of dialogue we should create if we expect results.

Sikh temples have a huge role to play in this discussion, since they are influential institutions in the Punjabi community.

Temples need to step outside their boundaries and get involved in these matters.

If we are going to have a conversation on domestic violence, then we must also address interracial marriages and the caste system.

Interracial marriages are still, for the most part, forbidden in the Punjabi community. Marrying outside caste is still commonly not accepted. Why?

It has taken Punjabi Canadians too long to move on these issues. Sikhism was supposed to free people from discrimination.

I believe there is still reason to believe that it will.

Ken Herar is a columnist with the Abbotsford News.

Source: Langley Times (www.langleytimes.com)

KenHerar@yahoo.ca

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